Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Why can't I have a switch in my head to turn my brain off when I go to bed at night?
Why do I worry so much about growing old alone and just be happy with me?
Why does a hug feel so good no matter who is doing the hugging?
Why can't "HE" see the good in me and fall in love with me?
Tomorrow I will get up with a new attitude again . . . happiness = me!!!!
If I sit on my porch long enough I think the world passes by.
Why don't I just throw my heart out there . . at 53 I know if it gets broken it will heal . . just with a little scar tissue!
If my neighbors could see though the walls they would see that I spend lots of time dancing . . OK my version of dancing . . . .
Being in control of what I eat instead of my emotions controlling what I eat . . feels great!
I love my children, my granddaughter, my family, my friends, my life and my God . . . just in case it sounds like I am not grateful . . . . I am . . . I just think way to much . . .
Sunday, August 29, 2010
I love, love having my daughter in the State . . having her here is a blessing.
Love seeing my son. . getting ready for the next adventure in his life . . being in his own home and new life with his "school girl" . . 5 years old and now missing two teeth . . time is just flying by.
One of my girl friends just got engaged . . I cried because I am so happy she has found love but jealous because I can't seem to get my arms around it myself . . . . oops got side tracked . . lol
The biggest change I see in my near future is I will have an empty nest for the first time in a long time. I look forward to having my children over for dinner, laying on my couch watching a football game in my pj's on a Saturday afternoon if I want. . and if a mess is made it is made by me.
If I want friends over after the bar closes to sit on the porch and just hang out . . I can without disturbing anyone. . . I can walk around without a bra on . . aww sweet freedom . . lol
I will learn a new kind of loneliness not having Hanna under foot but I will be able to be a "granny" in the way that I have longed to do . . and I will be good at it!
Even though I look forward to having my house back to myself I am worried that the loneliness will get the best of me . . . so I have a game plan . . I have a ton of projects that will keep me busy . . painting and working on the trim for the living room . . getting ready for the realtor next Spring.
I plan on attending many meetings for my food addiction . . I will get my treadmill out from the corner and back in use. . .
I will keep writing in my journal . . spending quiet time with my thoughts and God. .
Life changes for me are like changing my panties . . everyday is something new . .
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Why did it take until I was 53 to get my shit together?
Working in the bar is much more fun than my real job . . to bad they don't have a 401k and benefits . . working their reminds me what I don't want to become and also reminds me that even though I think my life is lonely without love . . that is not the place for me to find it
The 34 year old around the corner flirting with me is becoming the highlight of my lonely days!
I miss talking to my friend . . even though I wish him well it is hard to just let go of the communication . . I loved being a part of his thoughts!
Having my daughter just a few miles away is a very comforting . . we are becoming great "girlfriends"
I see God working all around me and it makes me smile!
Seeing my son so happy is like a drug for me . . gets me high!
Vitamin B is my energy source
I love the cool mornings and the star filled nights . . means football is just a few weeks away
Why do I have so many pairs of shoes?
Will I ever find real love????
Friday, August 20, 2010
When the ice cream truck (yes we have an ice truck) is coming down the street I want to just jump and down like a 5 year old.
Are relationships complicated or do we just complicate them?
Why does it smell so good after a rain?
Sitting on the porch with a cup of coffee at 6:00am is about the most peaceful time in my life right now.
I love watching an American Flag blow in the wind!
I sat at a meeting behind my sister last night and realized just how truly beautiful she really is. . . I want to be just like her when I grow up.
Do you think Kevin will notice if I slip my dog in a box for him when he moves?
Why do we wait for the phone to ring . . shouldn't we just call them?
Why is it sometimes "silence" is not always golden?
The saying "no news is good news" . . is full of shit!
Why do we let people take advantage of us . . or are we taking advantage of them?
Why is love so hard to find and when lost so hard to let go of?
From my complicated mind . . .
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Getting older is just a number for me it has always been about looking back at my last year and reflecting on growth that I have gone through and the new things that I learned about myself along the way. I always say I am a work in progress and someday I will be where I want to be, but I don't want to settle or be content . . I want to always look for more in life than just settle for now. I appreciate all that I have and all that I have been given but I do know there is more out there for me.
I spent the day with my kids and wonderful friends they were very generous with their gifts and their time and I enjoyed every minute of my day.
I was blessed to have spent the early mornings hours of my day laying next to my friend as his breathing changed and I heard him drift off to sleep feeling his warm skin next to mine still makes me smile.
I spent the evening dancing in the park with both my kids acting crazy and laughing until their belly's hurt . . and then siting back and just watching them be silly with each other . . it was like they were little kids all over again . . joking with each other . . loving each other.
On days when I am feeling down I will remember these two beautiful moments from my day and remember just how much God has blessed me.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Deep down I know I do . . . I walk like I have all the self-confidence in the world but inside I am jello . . and no one knows it. . . is this a character flaw? was I just made this way? . . Will I always have self-doubt in myself as a women . . . no self-doubt as a mother . . no self-doubt as grand-mother . . no self-doubt as a great friend . . but doubt as a loving, giving partner . . . .
Maybe God's plan for me is to just be a great single person . . and that will be OK . . . but I have to start believing that doesn't mean failure!
Monday, August 9, 2010
She posted on her blog 7 things that she uses as a guideline to get back on track with her life and I am giving you my spin on what these 7 things mean to me.
1) Love myself enough - I am so bad at seeing the good I have in me . . I am working on it . . but I am a work in progress still at almost 53. I do know that I have good qualities that I am proud of, not judging others (so much), seeing the good in my fellow man . . and I love unconditionally.
2) Eat a Healthy Balance of Food - I feel like I have this one licked these days with no bread or sugar (except natural sugar in fruits) . . I have tons of reasons in my life to try to be healthy so I will be around for a while.
3) Exercise because of Overall Health - I have been a slacker on this one the last few months . . I have let my fall down the stairs and my sore knee be the reason I haven't walked like I should. Well last night I put my knee to the test and I can't make anymore excuses except for pure laziness.
4) Be Obsessive - I could take this one many ways . . but to keep myself out of trouble I will try my best to be obsessive with this "I am high on life" . . I am going to be obsessive at finding happiness in my life.
5) Follow Dr.'s Orders - I think I do this 90% of the time . . I know I need to drink more water and less of everything else.
6) Be in tune. . Listen to my Body - I could also get in trouble with this one . . but I am going to listen to my body when it is over tired . . give it a rest . . kick my feet up and give my body and mind a rest.
7) Be Kind - I am trying to be kinder to myself and less hard on me. . . kinder to others and try to lend more of a helping hand then needed instead of being selfish.
I think these 7 "rules" can apply to all of us in difference ways in our lives . . how will you use these in yours?