Wednesday, October 6, 2010

More and More Ramblings

Why does the dog next door have to drop in my yard now that I don't have any dogs to pick up after?

Why can't I have a switch in my head to turn my brain off when I go to bed at night?

Why do I worry so much about growing old alone and just be happy with me?

Why does a hug feel so good no matter who is doing the hugging?

Why can't "HE" see the good in me and fall in love with me?

Tomorrow I will get up with a new attitude again . . . happiness = me!!!!

If I sit on my porch long enough I think the world passes by.

Why don't I just throw my heart out there . . at 53 I know if it gets broken it will heal . . just with a little scar tissue!

If my neighbors could see though the walls they would see that I spend lots of time dancing . . OK my version of dancing . . . .

Being in control of what I eat instead of my emotions controlling what I eat . . feels great!

I love my children, my granddaughter, my family, my friends, my life and my God . . . just in case it sounds like I am not grateful . . . . I am . . . I just think way to much . . .

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Cha Cha Cha Changes . . .

I have so many changes going on in my life right now I can't seem to gather my thoughts without them being so scrambled up . . like eggs in a fry pan!

I love, love having my daughter in the State . . having her here is a blessing.

Love seeing my son. . getting ready for the next adventure in his life . . being in his own home and new life with his "school girl" . . 5 years old and now missing two teeth . . time is just flying by.

One of my girl friends just got engaged . . I cried because I am so happy she has found love but jealous because I can't seem to get my arms around it myself . . . . oops got side tracked . . lol

The biggest change I see in my near future is I will have an empty nest for the first time in a long time. I look forward to having my children over for dinner, laying on my couch watching a football game in my pj's on a Saturday afternoon if I want. . and if a mess is made it is made by me.

If I want friends over after the bar closes to sit on the porch and just hang out . . I can without disturbing anyone. . . I can walk around without a bra on . . aww sweet freedom . . lol

I will learn a new kind of loneliness not having Hanna under foot but I will be able to be a "granny" in the way that I have longed to do . . and I will be good at it!

Even though I look forward to having my house back to myself I am worried that the loneliness will get the best of me . . . so I have a game plan . . I have a ton of projects that will keep me busy . . painting and working on the trim for the living room . . getting ready for the realtor next Spring.

I plan on attending many meetings for my food addiction . . I will get my treadmill out from the corner and back in use. . .

I will keep writing in my journal . . spending quiet time with my thoughts and God. .

Life changes for me are like changing my panties . . everyday is something new . .

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Continuing to Ramble . . . . .

My mind can't seem to concentrate on any one thing lately . . so I will ramble once again with more useless nonsense!

Why did it take until I was 53 to get my shit together?

Working in the bar is much more fun than my real job . . to bad they don't have a 401k and benefits . . working their reminds me what I don't want to become and also reminds me that even though I think my life is lonely without love . . that is not the place for me to find it

The 34 year old around the corner flirting with me is becoming the highlight of my lonely days!

I miss talking to my friend . . even though I wish him well it is hard to just let go of the communication . . I loved being a part of his thoughts!

Having my daughter just a few miles away is a very comforting . . we are becoming great "girlfriends"

I see God working all around me and it makes me smile!

Seeing my son so happy is like a drug for me . . gets me high!

Vitamin B is my energy source

I love the cool mornings and the star filled nights . . means football is just a few weeks away

Why do I have so many pairs of shoes?

Will I ever find real love????

Friday, August 20, 2010

More Ramblings

Why is it when you put yourself out of your comfort zone . . it feels like you've been hit by a bus?

When the ice cream truck (yes we have an ice truck) is coming down the street I want to just jump and down like a 5 year old.

Are relationships complicated or do we just complicate them?

Why does it smell so good after a rain?

Sitting on the porch with a cup of coffee at 6:00am is about the most peaceful time in my life right now.

I love watching an American Flag blow in the wind!

I sat at a meeting behind my sister last night and realized just how truly beautiful she really is. . . I want to be just like her when I grow up.

Do you think Kevin will notice if I slip my dog in a box for him when he moves?

Why do we wait for the phone to ring . . shouldn't we just call them?

Why is it sometimes "silence" is not always golden?

The saying "no news is good news" . . is full of shit!

Why do we let people take advantage of us . . or are we taking advantage of them?

Why is love so hard to find and when lost so hard to let go of?

From my complicated mind . . .

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Turning 53

I celebrated my 53rd birthday on Friday the 13th . . getting older doesn't bother me . . having my birthday on Friday the 13th didn't bother me . . . I dare black cats to cross my path . .lol

Getting older is just a number for me it has always been about looking back at my last year and reflecting on growth that I have gone through and the new things that I learned about myself along the way. I always say I am a work in progress and someday I will be where I want to be, but I don't want to settle or be content . . I want to always look for more in life than just settle for now. I appreciate all that I have and all that I have been given but I do know there is more out there for me.

I spent the day with my kids and wonderful friends they were very generous with their gifts and their time and I enjoyed every minute of my day.

I was blessed to have spent the early mornings hours of my day laying next to my friend as his breathing changed and I heard him drift off to sleep feeling his warm skin next to mine still makes me smile.

I spent the evening dancing in the park with both my kids acting crazy and laughing until their belly's hurt . . and then siting back and just watching them be silly with each other . . it was like they were little kids all over again . . joking with each other . . loving each other.

On days when I am feeling down I will remember these two beautiful moments from my day and remember just how much God has blessed me.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Speed Bump

Here I am just going along with life . . things are looking up for me and then it happens . . I hit a speed bump . . or maybe more like a pot hole . . . my rim (pride) is a little bent, my confidence and self esteem low . . (no surprise in that) . . but here is where I am heading with this. . why do women . . OK ME . . why is it I can't seem to wrap my arms around the fact that I have value as a partner in a relationship . .

Deep down I know I do . . . I walk like I have all the self-confidence in the world but inside I am jello . . and no one knows it. . . is this a character flaw? was I just made this way? . . Will I always have self-doubt in myself as a women . . . no self-doubt as a mother . . no self-doubt as grand-mother . . no self-doubt as a great friend . . but doubt as a loving, giving partner . . . .

Maybe God's plan for me is to just be a great single person . . and that will be OK . . . but I have to start believing that doesn't mean failure!

Monday, August 9, 2010

Back on Track

If you have read any of my blogs you know that one of the inspirations in my world is my friend Pam T. . . she is a wonderful source of inspiration to not only me but a whole world on the "Obesity Help Board". I am blessed to have her not only as the Leader of our Local Support Group but is a dear friend.
She posted on her blog 7 things that she uses as a guideline to get back on track with her life and I am giving you my spin on what these 7 things mean to me.

1) Love myself enough - I am so bad at seeing the good I have in me . . I am working on it . . but I am a work in progress still at almost 53. I do know that I have good qualities that I am proud of, not judging others (so much), seeing the good in my fellow man . . and I love unconditionally.

2) Eat a Healthy Balance of Food - I feel like I have this one licked these days with no bread or sugar (except natural sugar in fruits) . . I have tons of reasons in my life to try to be healthy so I will be around for a while.

3) Exercise because of Overall Health - I have been a slacker on this one the last few months . . I have let my fall down the stairs and my sore knee be the reason I haven't walked like I should. Well last night I put my knee to the test and I can't make anymore excuses except for pure laziness.

4) Be Obsessive - I could take this one many ways . . but to keep myself out of trouble I will try my best to be obsessive with this "I am high on life" . . I am going to be obsessive at finding happiness in my life.

5) Follow Dr.'s Orders - I think I do this 90% of the time . . I know I need to drink more water and less of everything else.

6) Be in tune. . Listen to my Body - I could also get in trouble with this one . . but I am going to listen to my body when it is over tired . . give it a rest . . kick my feet up and give my body and mind a rest.

7) Be Kind - I am trying to be kinder to myself and less hard on me. . . kinder to others and try to lend more of a helping hand then needed instead of being selfish.

I think these 7 "rules" can apply to all of us in difference ways in our lives . . how will you use these in yours?