More and More Ramblings

Why does the dog next door have to drop in my yard now that I don't have any dogs to pick up after?

Why can't I have a switch in my head to turn my brain off when I go to bed at night?

Why do I worry so much about growing old alone and just be happy with me?

Why does a hug feel so good no matter who is doing the hugging?

Why can't "HE" see the good in me and fall in love with me?

Tomorrow I will get up with a new attitude again . . . happiness = me!!!!

If I sit on my porch long enough I think the world passes by.

Why don't I just throw my heart out there . . at 53 I know if it gets broken it will heal . . just with a little scar tissue!

If my neighbors could see though the walls they would see that I spend lots of time dancing . . OK my version of dancing . . . .

Being in control of what I eat instead of my emotions controlling what I eat . . feels great!

I love my children, my granddaughter, my family, my friends, my life and my God . . . just in case it sounds like I am not grateful . . . . I am . . . I just think way to much . . .

Cha Cha Cha Changes . . .

I have so many changes going on in my life right now I can't seem to gather my thoughts without them being so scrambled up . . like eggs in a fry pan!

I love, love having my daughter in the State . . having her here is a blessing.

Love seeing my son. . getting ready for the next adventure in his life . . being in his own home and new life with his "school girl" . . 5 years old and now missing two teeth . . time is just flying by.

One of my girl friends just got engaged . . I cried because I am so happy she has found love but jealous because I can't seem to get my arms around it myself . . . . oops got side tracked . . lol

The biggest change I see in my near future is I will have an empty nest for the first time in a long time. I look forward to having my children over for dinner, laying on my couch watching a football game in my pj's on a Saturday afternoon if I want. . and if a mess is made it is made by me.

If I want friends over after the bar closes to sit on the porch and just hang out . . I can without disturbing anyone. . . I can walk around without a bra on . . aww sweet freedom . . lol

I will learn a new kind of loneliness not having Hanna under foot but I will be able to be a "granny" in the way that I have longed to do . . and I will be good at it!

Even though I look forward to having my house back to myself I am worried that the loneliness will get the best of me . . . so I have a game plan . . I have a ton of projects that will keep me busy . . painting and working on the trim for the living room . . getting ready for the realtor next Spring.

I plan on attending many meetings for my food addiction . . I will get my treadmill out from the corner and back in use. . .

I will keep writing in my journal . . spending quiet time with my thoughts and God. .

Life changes for me are like changing my panties . . everyday is something new . .

Continuing to Ramble . . . . .

My mind can't seem to concentrate on any one thing lately . . so I will ramble once again with more useless nonsense!

Why did it take until I was 53 to get my shit together?

Working in the bar is much more fun than my real job . . to bad they don't have a 401k and benefits . . working their reminds me what I don't want to become and also reminds me that even though I think my life is lonely without love . . that is not the place for me to find it

The 34 year old around the corner flirting with me is becoming the highlight of my lonely days!

I miss talking to my friend . . even though I wish him well it is hard to just let go of the communication . . I loved being a part of his thoughts!

Having my daughter just a few miles away is a very comforting . . we are becoming great "girlfriends"

I see God working all around me and it makes me smile!

Seeing my son so happy is like a drug for me . . gets me high!

Vitamin B is my energy source

I love the cool mornings and the star filled nights . . means football is just a few weeks away

Why do I have so many pairs of shoes?

Will I ever find real love????

More Ramblings

Why is it when you put yourself out of your comfort zone . . it feels like you've been hit by a bus?

When the ice cream truck (yes we have an ice truck) is coming down the street I want to just jump and down like a 5 year old.

Are relationships complicated or do we just complicate them?

Why does it smell so good after a rain?

Sitting on the porch with a cup of coffee at 6:00am is about the most peaceful time in my life right now.

I love watching an American Flag blow in the wind!

I sat at a meeting behind my sister last night and realized just how truly beautiful she really is. . . I want to be just like her when I grow up.

Do you think Kevin will notice if I slip my dog in a box for him when he moves?

Why do we wait for the phone to ring . . shouldn't we just call them?

Why is it sometimes "silence" is not always golden?

The saying "no news is good news" . . is full of shit!

Why do we let people take advantage of us . . or are we taking advantage of them?

Why is love so hard to find and when lost so hard to let go of?

From my complicated mind . . .

Turning 53

I celebrated my 53rd birthday on Friday the 13th . . getting older doesn't bother me . . having my birthday on Friday the 13th didn't bother me . . . I dare black cats to cross my path . .lol

Getting older is just a number for me it has always been about looking back at my last year and reflecting on growth that I have gone through and the new things that I learned about myself along the way. I always say I am a work in progress and someday I will be where I want to be, but I don't want to settle or be content . . I want to always look for more in life than just settle for now. I appreciate all that I have and all that I have been given but I do know there is more out there for me.

I spent the day with my kids and wonderful friends they were very generous with their gifts and their time and I enjoyed every minute of my day.

I was blessed to have spent the early mornings hours of my day laying next to my friend as his breathing changed and I heard him drift off to sleep feeling his warm skin next to mine still makes me smile.

I spent the evening dancing in the park with both my kids acting crazy and laughing until their belly's hurt . . and then siting back and just watching them be silly with each other . . it was like they were little kids all over again . . joking with each other . . loving each other.

On days when I am feeling down I will remember these two beautiful moments from my day and remember just how much God has blessed me.

Speed Bump

Here I am just going along with life . . things are looking up for me and then it happens . . I hit a speed bump . . or maybe more like a pot hole . . . my rim (pride) is a little bent, my confidence and self esteem low . . (no surprise in that) . . but here is where I am heading with this. . why do women . . OK ME . . why is it I can't seem to wrap my arms around the fact that I have value as a partner in a relationship . .

Deep down I know I do . . . I walk like I have all the self-confidence in the world but inside I am jello . . and no one knows it. . . is this a character flaw? was I just made this way? . . Will I always have self-doubt in myself as a women . . . no self-doubt as a mother . . no self-doubt as grand-mother . . no self-doubt as a great friend . . but doubt as a loving, giving partner . . . .

Maybe God's plan for me is to just be a great single person . . and that will be OK . . . but I have to start believing that doesn't mean failure!

Back on Track

If you have read any of my blogs you know that one of the inspirations in my world is my friend Pam T. . . she is a wonderful source of inspiration to not only me but a whole world on the "Obesity Help Board". I am blessed to have her not only as the Leader of our Local Support Group but is a dear friend.
She posted on her blog 7 things that she uses as a guideline to get back on track with her life and I am giving you my spin on what these 7 things mean to me.

1) Love myself enough - I am so bad at seeing the good I have in me . . I am working on it . . but I am a work in progress still at almost 53. I do know that I have good qualities that I am proud of, not judging others (so much), seeing the good in my fellow man . . and I love unconditionally.

2) Eat a Healthy Balance of Food - I feel like I have this one licked these days with no bread or sugar (except natural sugar in fruits) . . I have tons of reasons in my life to try to be healthy so I will be around for a while.

3) Exercise because of Overall Health - I have been a slacker on this one the last few months . . I have let my fall down the stairs and my sore knee be the reason I haven't walked like I should. Well last night I put my knee to the test and I can't make anymore excuses except for pure laziness.

4) Be Obsessive - I could take this one many ways . . but to keep myself out of trouble I will try my best to be obsessive with this "I am high on life" . . I am going to be obsessive at finding happiness in my life.

5) Follow Dr.'s Orders - I think I do this 90% of the time . . I know I need to drink more water and less of everything else.

6) Be in tune. . Listen to my Body - I could also get in trouble with this one . . but I am going to listen to my body when it is over tired . . give it a rest . . kick my feet up and give my body and mind a rest.

7) Be Kind - I am trying to be kinder to myself and less hard on me. . . kinder to others and try to lend more of a helping hand then needed instead of being selfish.

I think these 7 "rules" can apply to all of us in difference ways in our lives . . how will you use these in yours?

My Summer To Do List . . . whatever!

I don't know why I do this but every year I make a list of things I want to get done in the Spring and before you know it the 4th of July has come and gone and I still have a list of things that are not done. I always start out with good intentions but fun always gets in the way of work. Fun is not a bad thing I know . . but every year my list is getting longer . .

This summer I seem to be having much more fun than most. I have so many wonderful blessing but somehow they seem to be really bright right now . . the daughter is home and will be staying home for at least the next year . . although come Fall she will be up to her eyeballs with homework . . it is great to know that I can pick up the phone and she will be on the other end, and when I want to see her I don't have to fly half way around the world . . this is good!

Things are looking up for the son . . I see a job in Michigan in his very near future . . he is taking great care of his health and has found a new love in fishing. . . watching his excitement about his boat and going fishing is like when he was a little boy waiting for Christmas.

And then there is my princess . . she is perfect and that is all that needs to be said about that!

I am blessed always with the great love of a wonderful family . . parents, children, grand-daughter, siblings, and nieces & nephews and tons friends!

So I guess my "to do" list will be growing again . . but I can sit back and look at my unpainted fence & weeds and remember that I have been blessed beyond belief, the list will just have to wait while I enjoy life . . .

Blessing just keep coming . . . . Yeah life!

Ramblings . . . again

Why can't co-workers just get along?

Why am I jealous of my sisters being so skinny?

When will I ever see myself as a healthy, happy, mature women?

Why can't tiny elves come and clean my garage?

Why didn't anyone mention that Uncle Bill was falling before it was to late?

Why does sitting in the sun give me so much pleasure when I know it isn't good for me? and why does being tan feel so good?

Why did Lay's invent Light Lay's? . . only 75 cals, 17 carbs and no fat . . . so not right

Why do I ask so many questions??? . . . oh I have hundreds of more useless questions to ponder over . .

Memorial Day

Did you know that Memorial Day began as "Decoration Day" . . There is evidence that organized women's groups in the South were decorating graves before the end of the Civil War. Today it is tradition for VFW (Veterans Of Foreign War) decorate the graves of fellow service man and women.

In 2000 to help re-educate and remind Americans of the true meaning of Memorial Day, the "National Moment of Remembrance" resolution was passed which asks at 3:00 pm local time we as Americans pause to give a moment of silence.

Moina Michael in 1915 wrote in her poem "In Flanders Fields"

We cherish too, the Poppy red
That grows on fields were valor led,
It seems to signal to the skies
That blood of heroes never dies.

Now that my son, Kevin is a Veteran, Memorial Day and Veteran's Day have given new meaning to me. I give thanks each day that I do not have to visit my sons grave like so many parents have to . . . I am blessed each day that God granted my prayers and returned him to his family safe.

Please find time to give thanks for the Service Men & Women that gave service to our great Country so we can enjoy this blessed weekend with our family and friends!

Tennessee

I took a trip last week to Tennessee to see my wonderful friend and her husband. They are the nicest people in the world . . no really in the whole world. If you met them you would think the same thing. We have been friends, as she pointed out on this trip, for 35 years. To some that is a life time but to me it seems like just yesterday that we met. My friend is a older than I am by about 17 years, back when I was 19 I thought she was to coolest women I had ever met, married with a good hard working man, nice girls a nice house and worked part-time . . just like I had always thought my life would be like . . . OK well that didn't happen . . but I did get the two nice kids! She was a good daughter when her parents were alive and is a good sister to her siblings, a great mom and a wonderful grandmother and a loving wife. She is wise beyond her years and is not only beautiful on the outside but is beautiful on the inside. She worships God and doesn't judge man by the color of his skin and that is one of her most endearing qualities to me.

Well I guess my point is . . . or what I am trying to say is . . . wonderful friends in your life are such treasures . . she gives me wisdom, unconditional love, laughter and just knowing her is a privilege . . and that is what friendship for me is all about. We have laughed together until our belly's hurt . . and cried together.

I am a better person because of her, she opens my eyes to what life holds for me as I grow older and the grace she carries herself with is amazing. I admire her in every way . . . I hope that you have someone in your life that changes you for the better if so make it a point to spend some time with them it is good for your soul.

Forgiveness

I have always been a forgiving person . . don't hold a grudge, usually never get mad, pretty easy going. I have always felt that judging people or the things they do wasn't my job . . because we will be judged in the end for the choices we make. . . right?

So when you forgive someone for doing something that really hurt you . . do you forgive unconditionally or do you keep that lie or hurtful comment in the back of your mind? Do you let the people you love influence your decision to forgive. . . and if you forgive someone for something hurtful . . does it matter if your family or friends understand why you forgave? Will the people you love understand the goodness inside you that allows you to forgive? The decisions we make do effect the ones we love . . but in the end whether anyone understands why we do what we do . . love never changes and people who love you should love you unconditionally . . .

Unconditional love and forgiveness is the only way I know how to love and to forgive, I thank my parents for that and hope my children have learned or as they age will look back and remember that forgiveness is as important as it gets!

So if there is someone in your life that you miss over something silly . . send them a card, give them a call, say a prayer for them and it let go . . . . it is Spring time . . . time to remember just what Spring is for . . . forgiveness and growth . .

Sun

OH SUN . . GLORIOUS SUN HOW I HAVE MISSED YOU!

I have come to the conclusion that even though I love winter . . with the white crisp snow . . I miss the sun to much. I have been sitting on the porch the last few days for 15 minutes like a big cat lapping up every ray of sun I can get. The last few years I have avoided the sun, you know all the wrinkles and all, but I have decided the last few days that I am going to drink up every ray I can . . . wrinkles and all. I plan on overdosing on Vitamin D . . strutting around my yard with my new tummy out for all to see, my bare feet feeling the heat off the pavement as I weed my flowers. . . heck I am even looking forward to the beads of sweat hanging off my nose.

Vitamin D is very important for people living in northern states that lack in sunlight light like Michigan. . . it can affect your mood, your bones, Vitamin D helps reduce the risk of heart disease, diabetes and obesity . . do some research on your own to find what amount is right for you. . . OK off the soap box!

So I am hoping for lots of sun in my future even if it has to come out of a box at the tanner . . OK so that's not real sun . . but it's warm so it's a start!

The monster lurking inside of me

I have fought bouts of depression all my life, I have never let it get the best of me but it is always there lurking in the back ground. I don't think I am that much different than anyone else I just admit that I get depressed. I thought when I lost weight it would go away but no . . it follows me around.

There are some days when I don't feel like I really belong anywhere, like I don't fit in with my sisters, family or my friends. I have always felt connected to my two kids and my grand-daughter but lately I feel kind of lost . . have you ever felt that way?

I feel very disconnect and am not sure how to get "reconnected". . .

I think people sometimes think just because you smile a lot that everything in your life is great . . that is a misconception.

Maybe it's the lack of sun lately that has me singing the winter blues . . I miss being able to just walk out the door and work out all the worlds problems with just a good walk. Hopefully spring will get here and feeling the warm sun on my wrinkled face will make the world right again . . .

Someday my Prince will come . . yeah right!

One morning this past week I took my grand-daughter to pre-school in her dads truck when the princess CD began playing . . (apparently they listen to this when they are driving). . . Cinderella started singing "Someday my prince will come" . . . so that got me to thinking maybe I thought that was true in my twenty's or even thirty's but once the forty's came and went I knew the idea of my "Knight in Shinning Armor" was no longer a reality.

So now that I am in my fifties . . my vision of the prince has changed slightly . . . my prince is now a King . . probably retired . . his kingdom is a mobile home in Florida and his white horse is an old white Chevy truck . . with rust on the fender . . if you know what I mean . . lol

My wish for my daughter that she can tell her children her fairy tale someday and that my grand-daughter will be able to repeat her story of love to her children . . . and so on . . . I hope that as long as they live and believe in love they never give up the hope that dreams really do come true.

I still haven't given up hope that I will meet my King someday . . but for now . . I will keep looking at all the Prince's and hopefully they all have single fathers who are Kings . . .

Ramblings of a Crazy Women

Life can be so weird . . is this a test?

Why do grown people have to lie? . . isn't it just easier to tell the truth?

Why can't my wonderful son find a job?

How come even at 52 fresh fallen snow tastes so good . . ya that's right I still eat it . .

How come when I get sick . . like just about everyday (gotta love gastric bypass ) . . I don't get skinny??

These are just a few things I am pondering today . . .

2010 Word of the Year

A wonderful friend of mine . . Pam who has a great blog by the way . . http://www.pamtremble.blogspot.com/ was talking about instead of setting new years resolutions, finding a word, maybe a phrase (she got this idea from a fellow blogger) that would describe the year 2010 for you . . . . after doing a lot of thinking about my word I have decided that my word would be

"Faith" . .

Faith in the good Lord . . . to keep guiding me in the right direction

Faith in myself . . to believe that the things I think I can do . . . I really can

Faith that the decisions I make are right even when they don't turn out so good

I have not given myself much credit for the things I have done good in my life . . for decisions I have made and choices that I felt were right . . at 52 I think I need to start having some
"Faith in Kristy" . . . . so that is my word for 2010

It took me a while to figure out what my word would be . . . .what is your word??